Götzengeschwätz
by MademoiselleKraut
Summary: Götzengeschwätz (German): Praying to a g-d you don't believe in. In which the Corporal finds himself in a sticky situation outside of the walls. Rated T for language. Slight Rivamika


_**Götzengeschwätz (German): Praying to a g-d you don't believe in.**_

_In which the Corporal finds himself in a sticky situation outside of the walls._

-0-

The horse's body hit the ground with a clear thunk. Levi felt the breath knocked out of him. His lungs hurt, his body hurt, tears streamed down his face. He wasn't in the safety of the walls, he had to get up. The man couldn't move no matter what he could do. What felt like hours were seconds. His muscles seized up even more.

This was the first time his horse had ever fallen. He had never had the misfortune of falling off his horse once. Those who did normally never got to see the gates again….

He had been an idiot. In a desperate attempt to mend things between Eren's obsessive friend he had gone out of his way to protect him and her. Their blond friend too. He felt like he owed her… no Levi felt like he owed Petra….

He forced his body against all odds to get up. He looked over to the beautiful chestnut he had grown to love. Hazel was the horse he had gotten after his first one died during his first expedition. Looks like he would get a third horse now.

Thinking about how Hazel was done made him realize how he didn't have a way to get to the convoy of soldiers. He pulled out the handles for the maneuver gear.

"Broken," he whispered.

For the first time in since he first joined the Survey Regiment, he was scared. He remembered what happened to Ilse when her squad and horses had died. She had her head ripped off by that disgusting titan, forgotten. Would he be forgotten.

Not wanting to wait for death he began running in the direction of Wall Rose. Tears still ran down his face.

-0-

The first thing that was noticed when the arrived within the wall was the missing Lance Corporal. Irwin had made sure that it wasn't known to the public.

Lance Corporal Levi was good as dead and Mikasa couldn't help, but feel guilty. She had been the one to drive him to wipe out the fast approaching Tians; she had watched as he was struggling with keeping up with the abundance of Titans.

She couldn't help, but feel empty.

-0-

Night had fallen. Levi had been able to survive in the Underground City of Sina, it wasn't too hard to survive in the wilderness. He had found a small cave which was perfect for the night. A fire wasn't too hard to start either. As the night became darker, Levi watched the flames and thought about the life he once lived.

The dampness of the cave was like the dampness of his childhood. His mother had always tried to keep him fed, but it wasn't easy. The poor woman had become sick with Cholera once and had keeped her sickly. She had tried so hard after his father was arrested for heresy. He never met the man, Levi was born a month after the fact. He had always been hungry in those days; hunger always gnawed at his stomach. Almost like right now.

"_Grrrr,_" his stomach growled loudly. Levi clutched his stomach and squished his eyes closed tightly. He hadn't felt this for so long.

Using his cape as a pillow he laid down on the hard, dirty ground. He didn't care. There was a time when he didn't care about dirt and cleanliness. That was before Mike drove his face into that disgusting pool of muddy water.

He stared ahead at the flames, watching them dance like the gypsy woman who would do so on festival days. He remembered once how his mother did so. Amongst her people she looked so happy….

Morning came quickly and he could hear the stomping of Titans. Fear shot through him. In the darkness of the cave those gigantic brutes left him alone. Only one solution laid at Rivaille's feet. He knew from all of Hanji's experiments that Titans become lethargic when they are deprived of light. In retrospect, it would have been better if he had continued travelling during the night rather than sleeping.

Hunger still bothered him and so did fatigue. He laid his head once more on the makeshift pillow and settled into an uneasy sleep….

-0-

_The city that had always been draped in gloom was now alight with festivities._ _The winter festival was today and everyone who could dressed their best._

_In a small house a woman hurried around a stove preparing a special something for her son's birthday. Just as the food was being put down on the plate, the said son came out of their shared room with messy hair._

"_Happy Birthday _mon petite_" she proclaimed. In her hands was a plate of steaming warm bread that almost looked like…._

"_Pancakes," Levi squealed. His mother place the treat down on the table and watch how her son just gobbled them up without batting an eye._

"_Happy 5th Birthday my little one," she said softly as she stroked his hair, "I have another treat for you, but that will be later today-"_

"_Francisca," a woman bursted through the door. Her brown hair was a mess, "Francisca come, it's Vera-"_

-0-

Levi woke up with a start. The dream had been so bittersweet. How long had it been since he dreamed of the life he once had instead of the comrades he watched die? Either way it filled him with dread and made him want to weep. Why did he want to weep so much and why was it an urge that came up so often since yesterday's incident?

It was because he was human. Humanity's Strongest only goes so far because underneath the stoic cover there was still a child who grew up too fast. In that dark, damp cave he felt so much like the child he was in his dream that Levi felt so helpless.

Trying to distract himself from the fear the Corporal tried to think of a way to get back to Wall Rose.

"_We didn't travel far this time around,_" he thought to himself, "_I know the direction they were heading back in, West. I am in the small section of forest to the north. If I head in the direction I was yesterday I should be heading in the right direction. If not…._"

"Shit," he whispered to himself, "This is not how I wanted to die. Get married, have kids, have grandkids then die in my sleep is what i want, NOT FUCKING THIS!"

The last part he had screamed out. Tear streamed down his face in his fury. Without even thinking about it he watched how the tears feel to the dirt floor and turned to mud.

-0-

"We are going to have to assume that Lance Corporal Levi is dead."

Irwin's voice rang through his office. Everyone was silent in the thought of Humanity's Strongest had fallen. he was suppose to be invincible, the one who survived despite all else. He was suppose to be the the last one standing making sure everyone didn't die in vain….

On the couch in the Commander's office sat Eren, Mikasa and Armin. Eren despite trying so hard had tears falling down his face at a rapid pace. He had lost petra, Erd, Gunther and Auruo and now Levi was gone. Armin sat in silence remembering the greatness that was the Corporal. Mikasa felt guilt as she was the one to push him to take on the Titan horde. His blood was on her hands….

"Should we announce it to the general public?" Hanji asked dryly.

"I don't know. Let's give it some time. I also have a mother to inform."

"A mother," Mikasa spoke up. The idea of Levi having a family was absurd.

"Levi's mother will need to be informed that her son is MIA. I am sure Francisca will want to know before the information becomes public."

Mikasa's guilt grew.

-0-

It had proven to be easier to move at night rather than day. Levi had encounter several 'sleeping' titans which didn't even move an inch as he passed by them. Though he was confident that those things would be no problem, he steered clear of them.

His sense of direction proved to be efficient as well. After walking for what seemed like hours he had eventually found the path that the Survey Regiment had created. The hoof prints went in the direction that he had been going in.

As dawn began to come, Levi used a skill he hadn't used in so long. He came across a village that had been abandoned in the fall of Maria. It took a bit of effort, but he was able to pick the lock on one of the better off houses. Better off meaning it was collapsing on itself.

"Why the hell would anyone even lock their door? Titans fucking came through the wall."

He checked out the rooms of the house making sure that the rooms were truly empty. When that was done, food was the next thing to search for. He knew from previous experiences that squads would leave food in these villages for emergencies, like if squads would have to camp out due to the inability to return to the wall in time.

Lucky, the house was one equipped with the staple food. Not only that, but in their rush to leave the family that once resided left behind many essential things such as candles, blankets and warm cloaks. The night had been cold even with the fire and considering his cloak wasn't full length and thinner than needed a warm winter cloak was a gift. Especially since Levi had no idea how long it would take to get back to the wall, if he got back that is.

Being in a house had brought calm to the worn soldier. In his comfort he realize how hungry and thirsty he was. His lips were cracked and bleeding. Thinking back on it he hadn't had a drink since they stopped briefly almost three days ago, so it was obvious the next task was to find drinkable water. He searched in the upstair rooms, but alas there was none.

It wasn't until he was in the cellar for a second time did he notice a hand pump. It made sense that there was one in the house. The water table in the area wasn't deep and was large due to a river and lake near by. Levi grabbed the first thing that looked like it could hold water, a wooden bucket and pumped as much of water the thing could hold. Without hesitation he threw his face into the bucket and took big gulps. It was a while before he brought his head up to glub down the air instead.

Finally having something to drink brought a smile to his face which lead to giggles. Next was food. He brought up the bucket of water after filling it and the second he placed it down he made his way to the tinned food.

"Peaches," he whispered with joy when the can revealed to hold the juice, orange fruits, "What a treat! How long has it been since I've had these!"

He was ready to dig in with his fingers, but noticing how his fingernails were grubby he decide to do something he had seen Erd do once, turn the lid into a spoon. In the process of bending the metal he had cut his finger slightly which he had to clean out.

"Ugh, I better not get an infection," he grumbled as he shoveled the sliced peaches into his mouth. This was followed by a slightly eroctic groan.

"Holy fuck," he whispered and licked his lips even more eroctically than the groan.

After the can was emptied Levi was unbelievably tired. To create a makeshift bed he overturned a table on its side and made a bed out of all the thick blankets he could find. The table blocked the light. Looking at it Levi could help, but smirk. It looked like a nest.

He nestled into it and was asleep in seconds. Dreams came quickly.

Yet again he dreamed of his mother and her smile, her voice, her laugh and the crinkly way the corners of her eyes got when she smiled. When he woke up there was a smile across his face.

-0-

"I feel as if the Corporal should be yelling at me right now for this mess," Connie's attempt at cheering everyone was slightly affective. Eren had given a small laugh.

"Yeah, he would make us clean tenfold."

"He would make you do it even more Titan boy since half of this is yours."

"Stop it both of you."

"Sorry Mikasa."

"Whatever."

Mikasa walked out of the private dining room bringing her aura of gloom with her.

"She's been off lately," Historia commented. She looked over to Armin for an explanation. Which he provided.

"She told me she felt guilty for his disappearance. She was the one who made the Lance Corporal fend off the horde."

"Oh," was all that Historia could say. Everyone pondered on the idea of it being Mikasa's fault.

"She's being too hard on herself," Jean finally said, "He would have gone and done it anyways without her. The Corporal is hotheaded like that."

"He's not hotheaded, he is protective like Mikasa," Eren corrected.

"Yeah protective," Armin agreed, "That's what makes him a good Corporal or what made him a good Corporal. He cared about his comrades which an attribute all good leaders have."

"Yeah," everyone at one point whispered in agreement.

'I'll miss him," Sasha whimpered.

"Me too."

"I second that."

"I third that."

"I want him back."

Sasha had tears in their eyes, but it was Eren who cried first.

"Damn it, this isn't fair. Hannes, Marco, Petra, Erd, Gunther, Auruo and now Levi. This just doesn't make sense. Why is it that everyone has to die!"

Jean was the first to respond, "It's the risk we all took when we joined the Survey Regiment. If you wanted to keep your comrades and friends you should have joined the MPs with Annie or the Garrison."

The scary thing about all of it was Jean was right. No one knew when the next person would die. if Humanity's Strongest could fall than anyone could.

-0-

When Levi finally woke up the night was almost over. He had missed his chance to leave as soon as possible.

"_Guess it's not that bad. Resting up and getting supplies is needed._"

He travelled around the house till he found a bag that he could fit quite a bit of tinned food into and a blanket. Levi was also lucky enough to find an empty waterskin to use. He had everything ready by the time morning came though he wasn't willing to take the risk on leaving. he had closed all the curtains in the house and took refuge in the nest he made for himself. Barely an hour passed by till he was bored out of his mind. Doing nothing after being filled with the need to survive had made his patience limited. He got up and looked around for something to read.

He found a black book with silver writing on it which he recognized.

"There are some," he remembered his mother saying once, "that celebrate different religions than the Wallists do."

'Don't you mean practise," he had asked.

"No, one should celebrate what they believe in. They were called Christians and they many denominations of the religion. I named you after one man who appeared in the book of the Christians though when he appeared Christianity didn't exist. Instead the one we celebrate did…."

Levi brought the book back to the nest and open the bible as it was labeled to a specific page, Luke 5:27.

'_Jesus Calls Levi and Eats With Sinners_

_**27 **__After this, Jesus went out and saw a tax collector by the name of Levi sitting at his tax booth."Follow me," Jesus said to him, __**28 **__and Levi got up, left everything and followed him._

_**29 **__Then Levi held a great banquet for Jesus at his house, and a large crowd of tax collectors and others were eating with them. __**30 **__But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law who belonged to their sect complained to his disciples, "Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?"_

_**31 **__Jesus answered them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. __**32 **__I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."_'

Levi touched the letters that spelt out his namesake. Why was this religious book in the house? He knew that what was once a large constitution had become small and almost unknown, just like the beliefs of his mother.

Reading the book and its teachings brought an idea to mind. He place the book down and clasped his hands flat together. Next was closing his eyes which came with difficulty. A part of him didn't want to lose his sense on what was going on around him, but it was temporary and he need what he was going to do more than his eyesight.

"עֹשֶׂה שָׁלוֹם בִּמְרוֹמָיו, הוּא יַעֲשֶׂה שָׁלוֹם עָלֵיֽנוּ וְעַל כָּל יִשְׂרָאֵל, וְאִמְרוּ : אָמֵן."

His voice shook and he knew the pronunciation was off, but it felt good. How long had it been since he had said that prayer or prayed at all? How long had it been since he even believed in a god or the G-d?

"Far too long," his voice was hoarse when he whispered those words, "Too fucking long."

He was praying to a god he didn't believe in, he was Idol chatterer. Nothing more than a Götzengeschwätz, but it brought him a sense of peace; of harmony.

He spent the rest of the day praying and asking for forgiveness from the G-d he once believed in. He just wanted the chance to go to heaven where he knew his mother would be one day.

-0-

He cared on like a common wanderer for a month. He had too many run in with Titans and with the lack of food he had become slow.

He had also only encountered two more villages during that time. Water and food were hard to come by and with all the walking and running he did Levi needed food and water like crazy. He had gone three days without food and nearly four without water. Whatever urine he had been able to pass was brown and his head throbbed with every single step he took. When he came across another village and could see the wall in sight he ran as hard as he could. His breath came quickly and tears appeared in his eyes. He went straight to the first well he could find and just like the bucket of water in the first house he dunked his head into this bucket when he pulled it up. He drank long and fast.

Night was still to stay for a while so Levi made his way to the Karanese District. His feet were pounding, his breath was laboured and his body was aching with fatigue, but he made it. Just in case he pulled his hood up.

It wasn't uncommon for Gypsies to travel outside of the Walls and come back and Levi hoped at that moment that the guards would mistake him as one and let him up on the descending raft they had.

They did so. The Corporal didn't know why he didn't want to be recognized, maybe it was due to how he had been so unsure of everything during the two long weeks.

The second his feet touched the stone of the Wall he wanted to weep, but tears would have to wait. He had to get to the temporary Scouting Regiment Headquarters outside of Trost. That would take a good day if he walked, but a more nostalgic part of Levi had a different idea.

Stealing a horse wasn't hard considering he did worse as a thug. He use to take the horses from the Noblemen in Mitras for a midnight ride all the time in his youth and never once was caught. That night was no different.

"_I should be home by dawn_," he judged as the trees went passed it a blur, "_At this speed I will be home…._"

-0-

"I need to see the Commander," Levi said to one of the guards. They were stubborn fellows, but it made him happy they were so. It was a good reflection on his regiment or rather Irwin's.

"Sorry Gypsy, but I am-"

"Look I have real important news that concerns the King. Let me in, now."

Levi hated having to lie, but he need to see the Commander and he had to do so before revealing he was okay. The guard took the bait and let him in. through the winding corridors Levi kept his hood up for obvious reasons and made no eye contact with anyone.

When he reached the office door of Smith's, Levi hesitated. Was this real or was it all a dream? Neither the less he knocked as firmly as his shaky hands would let him (and flinched at the sight of his dirty hands. There had been no point in cleaning up since he would have gotten dirty so fast) and waited for his Commander to answer.

"Come in," called the deep, rich tone of Irwin Smith. Levi shivered with anticipation. Walking in was surreal, was he actually there?

"How can I help you," Irwin didn't look up from the documents he was reading over. That was strange behaviour of him.

Levi took his hood off and said with a voice hoarse from lack of water, food, sleep, safety and all things that a human should not go without, "To tell you I am okay."

Irwin paused and looked up to Levi. A moment in Irwin's perspective if we may. Irwin saw a dirty and greasy haired Levi. One that was almost like the first time he had met the resilient thug except older. He knew he wasn't hallucinating because Levi did something that Irwin would never been able to hallucinate or image if he was as drunk as a skunk.

Levi smiled.

"How do I know-"

"How do you know I'm real. Let me prove," his Corporal walked up to him and pinched him hard on the hard. It hurt.

"You can't be, you're too dirty."

Those words made Levi laugh. What a pure and delightful sound. It was one Irwin never had the pleasure of hearing, "Damn you Smith."

Irwin tried to hug the shorter man, but he protested, "I stink Irwin. I stink really bad."

The blond laughed as he pulled him into his strong arms. It wasn't long till Levi was laughing too. Laughter became tears and words of 'I was so scared' and 'I am so glad to see you again'.

All was good.

-0-

~2 Weeks Later~

"I still can't believe you blame yourself Ackermann."

"All due respect Captain, but please shut up."

Levi smiled lightly. When he showed up in front of Mikasa after taking a well deserved shower the oriental had run and collapsed in his arms blubbering about forgiveness. He couldn't believe his eyes at the scene or his ears when she told him her guilty. It was easy to say that compared to Eren's reaction, hers was mild.

During the two weeks of lack of food, sleep and excessive exercise Levi lost a lot of weight and muscle mass. He had trouble with walking and many other things. One of the doctors employed for the Scouts use had told him that it would be a very long time before he could do any training or even join in expeditions. It scared him at first when he suffered from bouts of dizziness, but as he got better they grew less. Though fate would have it one of those bouts would come on.

"Oh sorry," Levi cried as he almost fell onto Mikasa, "Body still eating at itself you know."

Mikasa smiled slightly, "You're getting better. That's good."

"You're feeling better. That's good as well."

Levi continued walking along the yards of the Headquarters with Mikasa and thought back on the month he spent outside the wall. He had prayed during that one night when he found the Bible.

"_May the One who causes peace to reign in the high heavens let peace descent on us and on all Israel, and let us say: Amen._"

His mother knew he was alive and she was alright, Mikasa was treating him with less hostility and for once since he joined the damn Scouting Regiment he was at peace. Harmony was the word he could describe what he felt. Funny enough Levi meant joined in Harmony. Looks like Lady Luck was finally giving him a chance.

All truly was good and he knew that that good would last. He hadn't felt so great since he had Götzengeschwätz to his mother's G-d.

Maybe there was a god and if there was Levi had a lot of thanking for to that god for giving him all the wonderful things he had, above all was his life.


End file.
